It is often said that Apathists don’t care enough about religion to build a church. Well here it is. For those who believe that it is important to treat religion with apathy, I have built this church.
No, not Robert Plant. The new vicar, Tom Plant, at St Michael’s Church in Camden, has applied for an alcohol licence. He is planning to run gigs in the church 4 evenings a week, in order to earn much needed revenue to support their mission. He does not have a problem with alcohol and said “Jesus turned water into wine for a reason.” To help with one of the problems that alcohol consumption brings, three new portable loos have been installed on the grounds of the church. Flirting with alcohol is nothing new, on the second and fourth Tuesday of each month, they also run a Theology in the Pub session, where those of drinking age can talk about faith over a pint. Father Plant, who is a Nine Inch Nails fan, says they are not talking about heavy metal or a mosh pit and he has no plans to invite AC/DC or Metallica, but rather solo artists and poets. No, he won’t violate you. No, he won’t desecrate you. Well let’s hope not. We wish him well with his novel approach.
Fed up with foodstuff appearances, Jesus has graced the door of a toilet in IKEA, Glasgow, with his image. It was spotted by Dave Simons during a visit. He snapped the image and shared it with his friends. However, as reported in the Daily Mail, some of his friends thinks it looks more like the tree people in Lord of the Rings, than Jesus.
A district court in Israel has ruled that the documentary “The Lost Tomb of Jesus”, aired in 2007, was not fraudulent. The documentary claimed that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and had children with her, some of whom were buried with Jesus in Jerusalem. A critic, Joe Zias, claimed the findings were not properly grounded and caused the film maker, Simcha Jacobovici, serious financial harm. Zias was sued for defamation, resulting in this verdict awarding the film maker over €192,000 in damages. As reported in the Jerusalem Post, the Judge did not rule that the facts in the documentary were true, only that they were based on research and were not fraudulent. So is it true that Jesus settled down with a wife and kids? I really don’t care.
Our old friends the Westboro Baptist Church are continuing their campaign of hate against gay people, saying God hates Ireland for legalising gay marriage. The only problem is they put the flag upside down, so they were really protesting against the Ivory Coast. In any case the video is funny, give it a spin on YouTube. https://youtu.be/1Pe2Pa8yYuM
Ireland votes on gay marriage this Friday. Many are creating a fog of war to distract from the simple question, should gay marriage be recognised in law? The bible is quite clear about heterosexual marriages in Deuteronomy 22:13-21. If a man marries and discovers his wife is not a virgin, her parents must provide proof that she was. If they do this the husband pays 100 silver shekels to his father-in-law for slander, but if they can’t she will be stoned to death. Perhaps we should change the law to only allow marriage between two virgins and preserve the sanctity of marriage.
It’s official! Building snowmen is un-Islamic. After a snowstorm in the North of Saudi Arabia, people built snow camels. A question asking if it was permissible for fathers to build snowmen for their children, led to Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid issuing a fatwa saying that the religion prohibits building a replica of an animal. It is not permitted to make a statue out of snow, even by way of play and fun. How sad.
Kristi Rhimes in Oklahoma, who claims to be married to Jesus Christ, was stood up last Friday after having food and drinks at the El Chico restaurant in Lawton. She claimed her husband, Jesus Christ a famous religious leader, would be along to pay the bill. When Jesus failed to show up (as usual), and Kristi had no other method of paying the bill, she was arrested for fraud. Strangely enough the next day in Louisville, Kentucky, just 800 miles away, a man claiming to be Jesus Christ was arrested for assaulting a woman in her eighties. The old woman was dragging herself across the street on her hands and knees, when Jesus, also named Calvotte Brooks, clearly saw she was the devil in disguise and threw a glass plate at her head. With her right cheek bleeding and bruised, she was visibly shaken and unable to give her name to the police. The police, failing to recognise that this was in fact Satan in disguise, arrested Calvotte and charged him with assault. In court on Monday, during a heated exchange with the Judge, Calvotte revealed that he is in fact head of Homeland Security. In light of this the judge upgraded the charge to attempted murder and set bail at half a million dollars. Both Jesus (Calvotte) and his wife (Kristi) remain in custody.
A group of people in Iran got themselves arrested after making a video to the tune of Pharrell Williams’ “Happy” and posting it on YouTube. It became a hit, bringing it to the attention of the morality police. The Iranian police chief said that the vulgar clip, showing three unveiled women, had hurt public chastity. Yesterday a political commentator, Kambiz Hosseini, tweeted about it, boosting a #FreeHappyIranians hashtag campaign to demand their freedom. Around 13 people are believed to have been arrested in connection with the video. It is believed that the participants in the video were released this morning, but the director is still being held.
The Russian Orthodox Church has condemned the Eurovision winner, drag queen Conchita Wurst. This led to Rustem Adagamov, a prominent Russian blogger, tweeting “The ROC categorically opposes bearded men in dresses!” along with a picture of their priests in full ceremonial robes. I just thought, I’d help it go viral. Thanks Bill.
You can’t get to a church right now? Well we have answered your prayers. Our Church of Apathy App is a virtual church for your iPhone, iPad, or Android smartphone. From naming ceremonies for your baby to funerals for departed friends, the Church of Apathy App has a full range of services for those times when you can’t make it to a real church (or don’t want to).
The Church of Apathy app is ideal for those times when you can’t attend a ceremony in a real church. If you don’t want to spend a dollar on the full App, download the free version and confess your sins or see what you are missing on YouTube.
- Naming Ceremony – Name your children and welcome them into the church.
- Confession – Don’t bear the guilt longer than necessary. Find a quiet spot and make that confession straight away.
- Service – Can’t make it to church for a mass or service? Attend a short service at the Church of Apathy instead.
- Partnership – Want to take your relationship to the next level, but are not quite ready for the whole legal aspect? We have the answer.
- Funeral – You can’t make it to the real funeral? No problem. Hold your own remembrance with our funeral service.